A Childhood Lost
by RAOrourke
Summary: Hello there! I am in desperate need of some feedback on the story, Please read and review for me. Thank you! Gripping tale of a suicidal mother and her torn apart family as They attempt to find their way back from tragedy.
1. Chapter 1

_**Please review this story and leave me comments. Thank you!**_

Chapter One

As she lay back down on the bed, her hands firmly clasped behind her head, she looked up at the ceiling fan as it slowly whirled above her. She wondered how much pain she would actually feel depending on which route she chose to go with. There were many ways to end one's life. However, she was always the sensible one, so that meant choosing a scenario that would cause the least amount of drama for the person who would find her. She knew it had to be the least shocking and grotesque option, not to mention it needed to be the least painful and more importantly, it needed to be successful. She had always had a painful life but at this point she did not see any options that would lead to a change in her life.

This overwhelming weight pressed upon her greatly. The depression was a mass so heavy at times that it often took a physical form. The depression seemed to physically stop her in her tracks and she would have to remind herself how to breathe. She would feel herself suck in a huge mouthful of air, filling her lungs, almost as if she were about to hold her breathe for a long time under water. Her body would tremble and she would try and re-focus on the fan as it continued to swirl above her.

A knife would be painful. Too messy as well, leaving a scene too gruesome for the survivors. If she were unsuccessful, there would also be scars that would be left behind; reminders that would continually mock her, taunting her that in this too she was a failure. No matter how many negatives she found in this frequent fantasy she could not help thinking of it often. She knew which knife she would actually use, she had picked it out in her mind at least a hundred times. After the initial slash, she would have to slash the other arm quickly before she chickened out. This was another downfall in her scenario. How long would it actually take? She wondered about that as well. She could almost smell the blood as it pulsated out of her body. Her heart she would feel beating fast at first with the increase of adrenaline and then it would taper off and slow as it dispensed the last drop of blood and life out of her. The blood would be warm as it would run down her arm, and there would be that smell. Blood had a distinctive smell. One that not only did you smell, but in some peculiar way you could almost taste. It had a metallic finish to it as it infused your senses. No that was not going to be the way, not today, not here.

In the distance she heard her phone going off, it sounded as if someone was texting her. They could wait, she was sure it wasn't an emergency. It was probably one of the kids or her husband. It did bring her out of her latest suicide scenario. She slowly sat upright in bed, looking around the room and wondered what time it was. Was it time to start dinner or maybe pick up the kids from practice or tutoring? The ceiling fan continued to rotate above her, clicking in its familiar pattern. Never deviating from its pattern, she laughed at the thought of how similar she had become to the fan. Both lifeless and continuing in one set circular pattern, never going anywhere and the only change was the pace at which they went.

She reached for her phone and saw the text was from her husband. She didn't need to finish reading it as she knew what it would say. His excuse was always the same, "Sorry Megan, working late again. We're short staffed". She knew he would not be making it home in time for dinner. He rarely made it home for anything lately. She had gotten to the point that she never even set a plate out for him. Sometimes when she would hear him coming in late at night, she would pretend to be asleep. She would hear him as he attempted to quietly open their bedroom door. This is when she would feel him enter the room as his frame filled the doorway blocking off the hallway light and casting a shadow that seemed to consume their bedroom. He was a tall man, athletically built, standing at 6'4". As he lay down beside her, the bed would always creak and the mattress would shift with the weight of him. But it was the smell of the perfume that would cause her body to shudder as it hit her nostrils, which would in turn provoke a wave of nausea. She could taste the bile as it burned the back of her throat making its way into her mouth. On most occasions she was able to choke it back down and she would feel the burn it as it continued its way down. Other times she would only be able to make it to the bathroom just in time to throw up what little dinner she had attempted earlier in the evening. On those occasions she would run the water so that he would not hear her. She did not want any indication that she knew where he had been. This was her burden and her pain and the only thing left in her life that she could control. She knew the drill; she would rise from her knees once that last bit of vomit would have escaped her. She would know when she was through as her body would continue to make the spontaneous spasms of dry heaving until only foam remained. Her body would shake uncontrollably as she would attempt to rinse the evidence of this foul experience from her mouth. The tang of the sourness would once again make her body involuntarily shudder.

Looking in the mirror across from her she would see her face. Once beautiful in her youth, it was now a face she could no longer recognize. Touching the skin beneath her eyes, she would attempt to smooth out the wrinkles that had appeared. She looked older than she was, and her eyes would look back at her with no recognition of what she had become.

Next she would open the medicine cabinet as she continued to run the water. She would not want her husband to hear its door squeaking. She made a mental note to herself to use the W-D 40 that she had found down in the laundry room to correct this problem for the future. Inside the cabinet there was an array of medications. She picked up a prescription bottle and it happened to be her muscle relaxant, she knew this would help her sleep, but sometimes it took too long. She returned it to the shelf and chose her anxiety medication. Maybe tonight she would take both, she didn't need to get up for work the next day as it was the weekend, so she would be able to sleep it off. She swallowed the two sets of pills and returned to the bedroom. She made sure to always face away from him. The mere sight of his handsome well chiseled face always seemed to bring her more pain.

There was a time when they were younger that she could not resist him. He had always been the star athlete and was well loved by all. His personality had been charismatic which drew her to him immediately. Today it was different. They had tried to fix their marriage years ago, but nothing had worked. They had tried the usual routes to fixing a marriage that most couples tried: counseling, separation, romantic vacations, and even self-help books. Nothing seemed to take them back to that place of comfort and love that they both had so enjoyed. Perhaps they had been together too long or the fact that they both couldn't bring themselves to hurt the family all over again. She didn't even blame him for the affair, she understood, she had become a mere shell of what she had once been. She was unable to feel or give emotion to anyone. They had all been through so much already, and no one seemed to be showing any signs of healing. No visible signs that they were over any part of it and on the road to some sort of recovery and closureOver the years it had continued to grow harder and harder for them to communicate and express their pain, so one by one they all seemed to drift further and further away. Even their closest friends moved on and distanced themselves from the family. The weight of their loss seemed to be drowning the entire family and anyone who had managed to stay around them. . It had immediately paralyzed the entire family. It was toxic and there never seemed to be a way out of their darkness. It was always there. They all felt the pain daily whether or not anyone ever mentioned it. It had been five years to the day since their eldest child had been killed.


	2. Chapter 2

5

_Chapter Two_

_Meggie could feel the sunlight warming her face and pressed her tiny nose up against the living room window. Looking outside and watching the other families in the neighborhood as they played, did yard work or just spent time together was something she cherished. Watching these families always led to Meggie fantasizing that she somehow belonged with these families, and that she was loved and cared for in a way that she could only dream of. That was one of the ways she tried to cope with her life and attempt to escape from all the pain. _

_She would wonder what her life would be like if she were taken away from her Mother. Would they give her to one of those families that she so adored watching? Or be placed with another family that might even be worse? And what about the rest of her family, would she still be allowed to see them? She cherished her Grandmother so much and the thought of not being able to ever see her again was something unfathomable. These were some of the questions that this little seven year girl was left to struggle with. _

_Hopefully when Meggie's mother awoke she would be in a good mood. Lately she was meaner then usual and had a hard time getting out of bed. She was showing "signs of depression "again. At least that is what Meggie would overhear the other members of the family whispering about whenever they got together. _

_Today was going to be a new day. Meggie could feel it. She knew she had to be on her best behavior, then maybe her mother would be happy again and notice what a good little girl she was being. Maybe that would even lead to a hug and kiss and hopefully she would hear those words she longed for so much, I love you. Thinking that may be a possibility, Meggie began to smile while hopping down from the couch and making her way into the kitchen. She was very hungry, but knew she needed to be extremely quiet. Her Mom had warned her about making noise, but who knew how long she would sleep. Not having dinner the night before, Meggie knew waiting wasn't an option, the pains in her stomach kept her up most of the night. _

_The kitchen was quiet except for the continuous and soothing click of the Cuckoo clock her Grandmother had brought back from her last visit to Germany. The sounds were fascinating and Meggie had used them to tell how long she had been awake by the amount of times the little cuckoo bird would pop out of his door and sing his little German song on the hour. _

_In the cupboard there was a half-eaten box of animal crackers and a jar of Tang instant breakfast. The dishes were piled up so high in the sink that they had started to overflow onto the countertops. The house was usually in disarray as her Mother had taken to the bed, she wasn't able to do much of anything anymore, let alone clean the house up. That usually waited until Grandma's visits. _

_The cabinet where they usually kept the glasses was empty. Meggie carefully pulled the kitchen chair over to the sink and climbed up on it to reach into the sink. There was a glass that wasn't too dirty and it needed to be rinsed. What she didn't realize was that the dishes were piled so high that the pile had become unstable. Meggie attempted to place her glass under the running faucet, which immediately caused a domino effect that caused the dishes to go plummeting down and crashing against the countertops as they made their way on to the linoleum floor. _

_The noise was so unexpectedly loud; she leapt off the chair and returned it to the table quickly. Her mother began screeching her name, as she made her way down the short hallway. Meggie was frozen. Should she try and pick up the dishes, or try and hide? The house was small and it wouldn't take her Mother long to reach her. The little girl wished and prayed that her Mother would not be so angry when she got to the kitchen. Still frozen and paralyzed with fear, her Mother appeared in the doorway._

"_What the hell are you doing? Didn't I tell you to keep it down? Didn't I tell you that I needed to sleep? I don't know what is wrong with you? You are so selfish! You never listen; sometimes I think you are just stupid. No other children are like you. Why did I get stuck with such an ugly, stupid child? No wonder your father left you…" It was always the same, the rant continued. By this point Meggie had learned to tune the words out and withdraw deep within her where there was safety. Where pretending to be part of one of those families outside her window was an escape from the harsh reality of her life. There was no understanding of her Mother's disdain and hate for her. _

_Suddenly the back of her Mother's hand cracked across her cheek, stunning her and catching her off balance. Meggie was dazed as the blow's force sent her flying into the corner of the refrigerator handle. Instinctively reaching up to the area above her eye she could feel the warm trickle of blood as it began to trickle down. _

_Her mother continuing to shriek. "Are you even fucking listening to me when I speak to you?" _

_Meggie slowly turned to face her Mother, showing how much she was listening and how good she was being._

"_Yes Mommy, I hear you." Was her response that came out as a whisper._

"_Oh, Jesus Christ! Look what you have done now! You're bleeding. You are such an idiot. Go in the bathroom and clean your face up. You better not need stiches!" she warned._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Spring was a few weeks away and this winter had been more harsh than normal. There were many snow storms which caused the school systems to shut down. They were already threatening to extend the school year into the first part of summer and Spring break consisted now of only two days. This meant there was no time to go away over break and they would have to reschedule their vacation to coincide with the end of the school year. Every summer the family would head out to Martha's Vineyard to relax for part of the summer. Megan and her husband were both in the school system; so that left the summer's pretty open for vacations and projects around the house.

Years ago they had been fortunate enough to buy in with several other friends from college a small cottage on the island. For the first ten years they all had decided to rent it out to keep up with the mortgage, but now luckily they had been in a position to buy out the rest of the shares so that they now co-owned it with just one other couple. They did this while the housing market was in a slump which made it all that more affordable. The two couples would split the summer, which gave both families ample time away to unwind from their everyday lives.

This year their son, Christian, would be home for the summer after his first year away at College. He was enrolled in school up north in New York and already was interested in an interning in DC. This meant he would be busy commuting back and forth, and it also meant more time away from the family. He had been looking forward to this all year. Escaping the everyday sadness that he felt when seeing his parents interact was not something he relished. Getting away meant he could start to live his own life without the heaviness that surrounded them all.

Megan was on the phone half-listening to messages, and scribbling on a note pad as she listened to the various dates that the summer home would be available. She seemed to be in and out of her thoughts as she attempted to concentrate. Thinking of their summer home always brought her mixed emotions. At first it brought her back to the days when they all were happy. They had such a beautiful marriage and family at one point in their lives, but now everything was crumbling around them. Soon there would be nothing left of what once was. There was a time when Grant tended to her every need, and she had loved him very much. He had always been her rock, the one she always turned to. He always knew what to say to make things better. He had been her soul mate. But too much had happened and now she was alone again. Always lost in her thoughts and left to her fantasies of how to end this non-existent life filled with this horrific pain. Pain that was irreparable and the type of pain that drew the wind out of her when she struggled to breathe. The mundane things in life that others took for granted, she never did. Putting one step in front of the other was something no longer automatic but rather one that she had to concentrate on in those rare occasions she did make her way out of bed.

Megan felt herself mentally retreating from life again as she sat at the desk in her kitchen, still clutching the phone. Lost in her thoughts and in her pain. She allowed herself these fantasies of death as a way of escaping the life she was in. A way of escaping and freeing herself from all that life had given her. Tapping her pencil upon the desk, she allowed this escape to begin. At times she even looked forward to it, as she knew one day she would actually find the courage to be free.

She could picture herself driving to their vacation home. She was always the first to arrive and set up the cottage for the summer. She did the cleaning and shopping for food for the family, something she used to really enjoy, back when her family was whole.

In order to reach the cottage you needed to cross a small wooden bridge that separated their area of land from the rest of the island. The conservation group that ran the island had been talking about putting up a guard rail for years but could never get a consensus as the local fishermen were always up in arms as it would affect their night fishing area. It would be better for Megan if she drove up at night. She would make it look like an accident. She would already have her phone set up to make it appear that she were in the middle of texting when she was c caught off guard crossing the bridge. She would need to make sure she was accelerating at a fast and steady pace in order to have the car take flight as she veered off the bridge into the cold and dark waters. This would allow her to distance herself enough from the marshy low waters that ran underneath the bridge. She could then be certain that the car would be submerged enough to prevent her escape and god forbid from someone finding the car and rescuing her before she was able to succumb to the rising waters.

She knew the car would fill slowly at first and it would take at least 4 minutes for her to lose consciousness once she was underneath the water. She wasn't sure how long it would take them to find her, or how long she would panic before she finally took her last breath. It would be cold and dark and she hoped she wouldn't chicken out and try and escape the car. Being held down in tight spaces was something she normally panicked about and she wasn't sure this would be a good choice for her considering these fears. Maybe it was time to scratch this off her ever growing list as the pros did not out way the cons.

As she sat there still taping her pencil, she heard the other line beeping in. She checked the caller id first to see who it was, and right away knew to avoid it. It was just her husband, Grant, she was sure she already knew the reason he was calling and decided to let It go to voice mail. He would want to give her an excuse to say he wouldn't be home on time and would want to know what dates they had the summer house for. He would usually come up after she was already there for several weeks by herself. That was no surprise. He was always looking out for himself lately, unlike their past relationship when she was his only thought. She really couldn't blame him. Megan had retreated so far within herself to escape the pain, that no one was able to reach her.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

_Today was going to be a good day! Megan was so happy to be wearing the new dress her Grandmother had given her for Easter. The dress was charmingly entwined with delicate lace smocking at the bodice and miniature flowers decorated the skirt A bright pink sash wrapped neatly around her midriff was tied perfectly in the back into a bow which completed the entire look. She had shiny white patent leather shoes on and squealed with delight when she would click her heels together like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. She felt like a beautiful princess as she twirled and twirled around in front on her mirror. _

_Megan loved the holidays, her Grandmother always made them extra special for her. There was always plenty to eat and beautifully wrapped, wonderful presents for her. Today was special because she was getting to meet her Mother's current boyfriend's family. Megan was used to her mother's many boyfriends. Her boyfriends never stayed around that long, usually a short time which seemed to make her Mother's mood better, but in the end, there was a lot of anger and tears. Today was different as she never had met any of their families before. Megan knew this was an important day and she knew she would have to try extra hard to please her Mother so that she would stay happy. She would sit up straight, say please and thank you and mind her manners. She was very excited to get to wear her beautiful dress today even though Easter was still a few days away._

"_Come on Megan" her Mother called from the front door._

"_Coming Mommy!" she called from her room, before taking one last look and smiling into the mirror. She had lost a tooth yesterday and was very proud of this as she grabbed her matching purse of the bed and skipped all the way down the hall._

_When she reached her Mother's side, she smiled up at her with her wide gaped smile as her Mother adjusted the ribbons in her pigtails. _

"_Let's go, I don't want to be late. You always make me late" she added as she locked the door behind them. _

_Megan continued to skip all the way down the sidewalk to their baby blue VW Bug and let the last comment just float past her. As Megan was climbing into the front seat, she smiled again over at her Mother, hoping she would notice where her newest tooth was missing. She knew it was a long shot but she hoped she would notice how proud she was of her missing tooth. She was hoping this would lead to a visit from the tooth fairy who had been very lax in her duties since her Grandmother had moved out of the house._

"_Megan, please behave, this is the first time we are meeting Gary's parents and I don't want you to ruin it. You have to be on your best behavior, I mean it! She lectured adding "and try not to smile so much, you look ridiculous with all those teeth missing."_

_Megan's smile vanished immediately as she bit down on her lip in an attempt to hold back her tears. She thought today was going to be so special and now she had to worry about so many things. She stared out the side window and watched the other families on the street as she let out a large sigh._

_Once they arrived at Gary's parents' house, Megan climbed out of the car and followed her Mother quietly up to the front door. The house was very large and Megan noticed how nice the front yard was landscaped, compared to the small houses in neighborhood. These houses had so much land in between the neighbors and everyone looked like they had gardeners to tend to their yards. Feeling nervous, Megan stayed close behind her Mother as they waited for the door to be answered._

_Gary answered the door, kissing her Mother on the cheek as he ushered her into the foyer. Behind him, Megan could see his parents walking up to greet them. They smiled largely at them graciously welcoming them into their beautiful home. As they continued their walk down the hallway toward the living room, Gary stepped in between Megan and her Mother and shoved her back a few feet creating a distance between them. _

_Megan was confused by his physical display and wasn't sure how to react to this. It made her stand in the hallway and think back to the time she had met Gary. She had only met him once before and it had been very brief. That night, her Mother and he had come back very late from a night of drinking. Megan had woken up when she heard noises in the hallway, and had climbed out of bed to investigate what was happening. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she entered the hallway, she heard a man's booming voice yelling at her to get the hell out of there. Megan caught a glimpse of what was going on and saw her mother half naked standing in the hallway with this man, who had his hands on her breasts. _

_Megan ran back into her room and jumped into her bed, very confused at what she had just witnessed. She was scared and lay shaking in her bed as she heard the strange noises that were coming from the other side of the wall. She hoped her Mommy was ok as she plunged her fingers deeply into her ears to block out her Mother's moans as she attempted to sleep._

_The next day he was gone when she awoke. The only sign that he had actually been in the house was that her mother's clothes were still strewn in the hallway where they had been the night before. Megan had wished that last night had been part of a nightmare instead of reality as she passed through the hallway on her way into the kitchen._

_The shove had originally startled Megan and she kept her distance back as he walked her Mother into the room where the rest of his family was waiting to meet them. The room was filled with Gary's siblings and their children. He had never been married before and it was a big deal for his family whenever he did bring someone home. Still feeling unsure of herself and not understanding Gary's quick burst of anger, Megan hung back in the doorway and didn't follow them into the room. _

"_Megan!" he bellowed from inside the living room._

_Hearing her name she rounded the corner and walked tentatively into the room, averting the eyes of everyone as they were all talking amongst themselves loudly. _

"_I guess this is what my Mommy meant when she said Italians were loud" she thought to herself, as she felt a firm push from behind from Gary as he attempted to present her to his niece that was around her age._

"_Christina, this here is Megan. You two play together" he gruffly said as he immediately turned his attention back to her Mother._

_They didn't get much time to spend together as Gary's Mother called everyone into the dining room as the feast she had been preparing was ready, and within moments the family had deserted the living room on their way to enjoy his Mother, Kay's, delicious dinner spread. That left Megan and the little Christina to follow the adults to the long assortment of food that was being served family style at the largest dining room table Megan had ever seen. She was in awe at how many people could sit around the table. In her home she only had a table that could hold three people and it was in her small kitchen._

_Megan followed Christina and found a seat beside her. Christina and she helped themselves to the wonderfully smelling food that was being passed around. She had never seen so much food in one place. It smelled amazing and she was so hungry she couldn't wait to eat. As Christina was passing her the bowl of meatballs in a homemade tomato sauce, Megan struggled to take the bowl from her and set it on the table. The bowl was warmer than she anticipated and before she could react, it slipped off the table and onto her lap, causing the tomato sauce to splash up onto her beautiful dress. She was happy that she could catch it before it hit the floor, but at the same time sad that now her beautiful dress was ruined. _

"_Hey, what did you do?" she heard Gary shout from the other end of the table which startled her causing her to drop the bowl onto the floor._

"_I'm sorry" you could barely hear her whisper as she attempted to get out of her chair to pick up the bowl which now had caused a puddle of tomato sauce to stain the tan carpet. _

_Gary's mother got to her before he did and her eyes were kind as she looked into Megan's troubled eyes._

"_It's ok sweetie." She said as she picked up the bowl._

"_Ma it's not okay" Gary said as he was at their side. "She's a klutz, she dropped the damn meatballs." He added._

"_Gary, it's fine, I have still have plenty in the kitchen. Mind your manners; you are going to make the poor girl feel worse than she already does. It was an accident." She reprimanded him._

"_Come on Megan; let's go clean up your filthy dress." He said as he grabbed her tiny hand and pulled her down the hallway. Megan turned her head over her shoulder to see where her Mommy was and saw her just staring icily at her. This is when she knew that again she had been a disappointment._

_Once out of sight, Gary pushed her through an open doorway which appeared to be a bedroom. He closed the door behind them and walked past her into the adjoining bathroom. She could hear him running the water, but she stood frozen in the room not knowing what she should be doing. After a few moments, he marched back into the bedroom and threw the balled up wet washcloth at her, hitting her firmly in the chest. She grabbed onto it before it could leave her body and hit the floor. _

"_So you aren't as klutzy as you look. You were able to catch that? Go in the damn bathroom and wash that shit off." He seethed with anger as he instructed her. Megan did as he said and walked into the bathroom and attempted to wipe off the sauce that was staining her dress. She began to panic as the more she rubbed at the stains, the more of a mess it made the dress. It seemed that the smearing of the Italian sauce was making the dress worse and worse. _

_Gary walked into the bathroom to check on her progress and was disgusted at her mess. Being only six years old it was difficult for Megan to know how to properly blot out a stain of this magnitude on the delicate lace of her dress. A grown up would have even had a hard time repairing the damage that had already been done. She was sad that her beautiful dress was now ruined and a tear ran down her cheek as she continued to wipe at the stains._

"_What the hell are you crying about? You're the one who ruined dinner and your dress! I should be crying! Hurry up! I am hungry and I don't want to wait any longer while you just sit there and feel sorry for yourself!" He said to her as he felt himself starting becoming more and more angry._

_He crouched down in front of her until his face was eye-level with hers and he was close enough for her to smell the liquor on his breath. He grabbed the washcloth out of her hand and threw it into the bathtub causing it to knock over the shampoo bottles which clamored loudly into the tub. She could feel his breathe on her tiny face and she stood perfectly still, pretending not to be there and retreating to within herself for safety. _

_He swiftly grabbed her by her dress and pulled her too him and his breathe became hotter the closer he came to her. With a swift motion he back handed her across her face and ear and the sound his hand made as it cut across her ear was something she would never forget. The sound was so loud and the pain was so sharp that it made her lose her breath. He picked her up with both hands and shook her violently and then carried her back into the bedroom. Holding her out in front of him, he could see the welt starting to spread across her cheek which enraged him more. He shook her once more before violently throwing her onto the bed where she flew into the wall beside it as she crumpled into a pile beside the bed._

_Megan whimpered as she heard the door opening and there stood her mother._

"_Gary what is going on in here?" her mother asked in a harsh whisper._

_Megan was shocked at the tone in her Mother's voice and continued to attempt to suppress the whimpering sounds that were coming from her as she attempted to get up._

"_Damn it, Donna! Don't you ever discipline this child? She made a mockery of me tonight. She's klutzy, stupid and she was talking back to me. She needs to be taught a lesson. Now you go back out there and we will be out in a minute. I'm not going to have this child humiliate me in front of my damn family." He stated angrily._

"_Ok Gary, but hurry up I don't like being out here by myself." She said as she headed for the bedroom door. "Megan, try and listen you are upsetting everyone." She added._

_Holding back her tears as best she could Megan was able to pull herself up to a sitting position. Gary walked over to her and picked her up from the floor and threw her back onto the bed. He looked her face over and saw the welt was not going to get any better._

"_I don't know what I am going to do with you now." He said in a very sinister tone. He pushed her further back on to the bed and climbed on to the bed so that he was straddling himself over her legs. Megan froze and averted her eyes from him. She felt nauseated and frightened and her face was in so much pain. She also felt something new; a dread seized hold of her but didn't know why she was feeling this as he crouched over her body._

"_Stay still" he ordered. And she did. She absolutely froze and held her eyes closed as tightly as she could squeeze them. He abruptly pushed her legs apart and pushed her dress up. Megan could feel his breath coming closer to her as she bit down on her lip to keep from crying out. _

"_You are so bad aren't you Megan?" he asked as she heard him unbuckling his belt. "What do you think I should do to you so that you learn your lesson?" he asked. However, Megan was still too frozen to move, let alone answer him. _

"_Should I use this belt on you?" He asked as he ran the belt between his hands before running it across her bare inner thigh. _

"_I didn't get an answer from you. Are you still misbehaving?" he asked._

_She could barely shake her head no as her whole body trembled now with panic and fear. He then took the leather belt and Megan could smell it before she could feel it as he ran it gently across the welt on her cheek. _

"_All kids deserve to get "the belt" when they misbehave" he said in almost a whisper to her as she could feel his lips as they brushed against her skin as he spoke into her ear._

_Megan tried to stop her shaking but she could not will her body to do so. She was so frightened of this man and did not understand what was happening. The alcohol on his breath was causing her to fell nauseous as well. She could hear Gary unzipping his pants as she felt him reach under the skirt of her dress and press his hand against her underwear, as he attempted to remove it. _

_That was the last Megan could recall as she faded into darkness._


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Megan wrapped the paper gown tighter around her mid-section as she accepted the Radiology Tech's hand helping her up onto the gurney that would place her in the MRI machine. Awkwardly she lie faced down per his instructions. He continued assisting her by placing her breasts carefully into the two cut out openings on the gurney. The IV was then attached to her arm and he offered a squeeze ball to her in case she needed immediate help.

"It will only take about 20 minutes and I will let you know when I am about to administer the contrast through your IV, that will be about the last five minutes. Questions?" he asked cheerfully.

"No, I've had a breast MRI before; the hardest part is already done. I hate the needles!" she said giving him a small smile.

"Ok then, here's your earplugs, remember to squeeze that ball if anything is concerning you. It will be over before you know it." He said supportively.

"Ok." Megan replied, eager to get this started and over with.

The tech left the room to go stand behind the glass wall to administer the test. With the push of a button, her gurney began to rise and propel her backward into the large open MRI machine. Megan always hated this part; she irrationally feared her breasts hanging down into the machine as it backed its way in. As it was moving she secretly wondered if anyone had ever been injured doing this before? Had anyone's breasts been caught in the mechanism as it moved back and forth? Disturbing thought, but she had had worse, much worse.

She lay on the gurney very still and listened as the machine worked its magic. She had been a high risk patient for getting breast cancer and had been involved in a local breast surgeon's case study. Her doctor followed her closely performing MRIs and mammograms 6 months apart to monitor for any abnormal changes. She'd had a few biopsies, but so far so good, nothing bad had happened.

Megan concentrated on the succession of noises the machine was going through as it progressed through the test.

_Clang, clang, clang, clang_….

First it was a clanging notice for a few minutes which then turned to a sound which was more familiar to her.

_Pong, pong, pong, pong…._

It was the sound of the old Atari game, Pong, if it was on a high speed game and your opponent was the computer. It would pong back and forth over and over for the next several minutes.

The next set of noises was similar to a swarm of bees attacking. The swarming sound seemed to continue until she heard the tech's voice break in with the announcement that he was going to start her IV contrast now.

"Ma'am, you will probably feel the warmth of the contrast as it starts, you might even have a metallic taste. This is very normal for the contrast." He said matter-of-factly.

This part never seemed to bother her; it was always about the needles for her. Once she got past that initial part she was fine.

The test was over and done and the tech was helping her down from the table. She removed her ear plugs and threw them in the trash as he handed her keys to her dressing room.

"Ma'am, just wait in the dressing room. It shouldn't be long. The radiologist will review the films and then you will be free to get dressed."

"Ok." Megan responded as she walked into the dressing room, where they had a nice lounge chair that she plopped herself down in. She picked up the People magazine and began reading about the latest Hollywood gossip. As she flipped through the magazine, she checked her watch and noticed it had been at least ten minutes. She finished the magazine and still nothing. She decided they must have forgotten about her and grabbed the nearby robe and went back into the waiting room. She hoped they would see her browsing through the magazines and recognize that they had forgotten to tell her it was ok to go.

She finally decided on another People and walked slowly back to the dressing room. This time she decided to keep the door ajar so they could see she was still there. After this magazine was finished as well, she felt well versed on the styles and antics of the rich and famous. She felt herself starting to get annoyed. They had kept her waiting for 40 minutes now. She had never had to wait this long before.

As she stood up to leave the dressing room again, the tech knocked on her door.

"I am sorry you have had to wait so long, however, our Radiologist has found an area of enhancement and I would like you to follow me down to Ultrasound so he can get a better look at it." The tech explained.

"Oh…Ok." Megan responded, still a little confused. Never in twelve years had she ever had to have a sonogram following an MRI. That usually happened to her for Mammograms only. She followed the tech down the short hallway to a dimly lit room where the ultrasound tech was waiting for her.

"Hello Megan, my name is Jessica. I will be your Ultrasound tech today. This won't take long. If you will just hop up on the table we can began." She said reaching for the bottle of warmed lubricant.

Megan climbed up on the table and lay down on her back.

"Now Megan, please put your left hand behind your head and I will put the lubricant on the area we need to look at."

"Ok." Was all Megan could think to say, still feeling a little stunned by all of this. She obligingly placed her arm behind her head, and the tech moved the open-in-front gown exposing her left breast. Megan felt the warm gel as it plopped onto her breast. Jessica immediately began searching the screen for any changes, pressing the wand down as she went. As soon as she zeroed in on the area in question, she began clicking the mouse in order to take measurements.

Once she was done, she broke the silence by saying, "Megan I am going to go show these pictures to the Radiologist and we will both be right back in. Just stay on the table, you can cover up, but the doctor will want to see the area." She explained.

Megan waited for another ten minutes and then the tech brought in a young Indian doctor following behind holding a folder.

He introduced himself right away putting out his hand and gently shaking hers, "Hello Megan, my name is Dr. Afzal. Jessica has shown me the films and I would like to take a look if this is ok?" he asked not really expecting an answer.

"Sure." Megan said, still at a loss for words, and wondering if this is what it felt like when a woman was diagnosed with breast cancer. The not knowing and anticipation must be torture.

Dr. Afzal took the wand from Jessica whom had it already out stretched toward him. She squirted another round of gel onto Megan's breast before proceeding to carefully inspect the area. After a few minutes of measuring and more photograph taking, the doctor spoke to her again.

"Megan, why don't you get dressed and Jessica can bring you to my office and I will discuss my findings with you. Ok?" he asked again gently.

"Ok." Megan responded as she started to sit up.

Jessica handed her a warm dry wash cloth and instructed her to clean off the gel, to get dressed and meet her in the hallway and she would walk her down to Dr. Afzal's office.

Megan hurriedly cleaned up, changed and headed out of the dressing room into the bright hallway where Jessica was waiting for her.

"Ready?" Jessica asked.

"_And if I'm not?"_ Megan thought to herself.

They walked down the hallway to the office and Jessica chatted away about the weather, summer plans, etc. Megan just seemed to block her out and numbly followed her to the office nervous of what was going on.

"Here you go!" she said overly cheery.

"Thank you." Megan managed to mumble as she walked in and sat down across from the radiologist, whom was now on the phone with his back to her. Megan looked around the room at the various framed degrees that were hanging on the walls while listening to the doctor's conversation.

Dr. Afzal swiveled around in his chair to face Megan and gave her a warm smile and held his finger up indicating "one minute" as he continued to listen to the person on the other end of the line.

"I agree. I will go over this with her now. Thank you." He said and hung up the phone.

"Megan, I just got off the phone with your doctor, Dr. Baldwin. She was able to pull up the films in her office and we discussed the results and both concur. Megan the enhancement we found appears to be malignant. Now we cannot say for sure without a tissue sample to biopsy, however we can tell by the shapes and calcifications beside the area that highly suggest it being malignant. To be sure we will need to schedule a lumpectomy right away."


	6. Chapter 6

_**1975**_

_Megan rubbed her eyes as she hurriedly jumped out of her bed. She hated being late for school and she hoped today would be different. Recently her Mother had been driving her to school which helped to cut down on the bullying that Megan was enduring at the hands of some neighborhood boys. _

_Her Mother had spiraled further into her depression. Their Aunt Valerie had passed away, a victim of breast cancer several months ago. This had affected the entire family as Valerie was so beloved within the family and even the surrounding community. Valerie and Megan's grandmother had emigrated together with their children from Germany back in the 50's and had been best of friends. Now not only did Megan lose her Aunt, but now her Grandmother and Mother were crippled with the pain of their loss. _

_Donna's depression had caused her to lose her job and take to her bed even more. The beatings had stopped, but Megan's role of victim had now become that of a caretaker. Her Mother was incapable of working, cleaning, cooking or for that matter even being in public. She was okay if she was in her tiny little VW Bug, a safety net of some sort. In the car Donna felt secure and was able to drive Megan around to run errands. _

_Megan looked forward to the mornings. Mornings meant her Mother would drive her to the local 7-11. Megan loved going to 7-11 and having carte blanche at the register to choose whichever hostess product she wanted for breakfast. Her Mother no longer cooked, not that she ever really did before, but this was a tasty treat that Megan craved daily. Ho-Ho's, Twinkies, Cherry Pies, Snowballs and Honey buns were among her favorites. In return, all Megan had to do was to purchase her mother's Virginia slims cigarettes. Pretty fair trade off if you asked Megan. She loved those sugary treats as well as the avoidance of the male bullies down the street that would punch her and/or push her to the ground almost daily, never even needing a reason. _

_Today, Megan was going to do the grocery shopping. Her mother pulled up in front of Giant and let her out with a small list and a twenty dollar bill. They did not have much money so twenty dollars would go a long way. As Megan got out of the car she noticed the carnival was in town across the street. Lights from the rides were blinking and she could hear music playing. She always loved the tents filled with animals and unique people. She wondered if she would get to go this year. Last year she had gone with a neighbor's family and she had enjoyed it so much. It felt nice to be part of a family even if it was for only a few hours. She secretly hoped she would be asked again. She was still curious about the lady with the beard._

_Megan headed into the store with her empty grocery cart. She placed her list and twenty dollars on the seat of the cart and made her way through the aisles, choosing the items that were on her list. _

_Half way through the store, Megan checked her list and was horrified to see that her money was gone. She panicked immediately and ran up and down the aisle looking for it. Not knowing what next to do she began to run up and down all the aisles in search of her money, even stopping other customers and asking them if they had seen her twenty dollar bill. The pity she saw on some of their faces went unnoticed by Megan as the panic inside her continued to build. _

_She could feel the tears uncontrollably make their way down her cheek. She tried as hard as she could to suppress the sobs that were involuntarily escaping her. She wiped her eyes as an elderly woman approached her._

"_Are you lost my dear" the lady asked with such concern and kindness._

_Sniffling Megan answered, "No…I lost my money." _

"_Oh dear, where are your parents?" she asked looking around to see if anyone was with the little girl._

"_My Mommy is in the car and she will be so mad at me" Megan confessed._

"_Well sweetie, calm down and let me take you up front and see what we can do. Okay?" _

"_Okay.." Megan said looking up into the ladies eyes and feeling better at seeing such kindness. She wiped her tears and followed the lady up to the Customer Service desk._

_At the desk the clerk said no cash had been turned in and she sent one of the baggers to help in the search. Megan waited up front with the elderly lady. The boy returned and said he could not find the money and Megan began to cry again._

"_Don't cry dear. Everything will be fine." She lady said trying to calm Megan again with her kindness._

"_No it won't. We don't have money. My Mommy is going to be so mad at me." She repeated as she started to cry again._

_The service clerk and the elderly lady exchanged looks of sadness and concern for Megan. _

"_What is your name?" the lady asked attempting to calm the sobbing child._

"_Megan." She almost whispered back._

"_Well, what a beautiful name! Megan, I think you might be in luck today." She said cheerily to the little girl. She pulled out a twenty dollar bill from her wallet and handed it to the Service lady. "How about she holds your money until you are done shopping and then come back up to the desk and she will ring you up. Sound good?" She asked._

"_Oh, yes! Thank you so much." Megan said feeling so happy now and wrapping her arms around the lady's waist in a spontaneous hug._

"_See Megan, good things can happen if you believe and work hard in life. There is always hope my dear, don't ever give up on hope." the lady said as she patted the top of Megan's head, before walking away._

_Megan carried the image of this stranger with her and the feeling the woman had given her. A virtual stranger who had instantaneously made her feel so good inside from a simple act of kindness. Megan did carry the feeling of hope and joy with her for a long time, always remembering in her times of turmoil what the lady had done for her and how it had made her feel. _

_For the first time in her life, Megan felt hope._


End file.
